My boyfriend pays me $500 a month towards bills. My mortgage is $2,200. He requested me to lend him $20K so he can construct a enterprise and retire to the Caribbean

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I’ve lived with my boyfriend for the final six years, however we’ve got been collectively for 10 years. We’re already in our 40s, and have simply realized to be glad in one another’s firm. We get alongside effectively, and at this level we’re each comfy with the established order — that’s, we’ve got no marriage plans in sight.

I pay $2,200 a month in mortgage and utilities, and he helps me out with $500 in money and buys the groceries for our house. He was additionally capable of take me to work, and saved me cash on transportation. For the previous 12 months, I’ve been working from house, though I’ll in all probability be again on the workplace in September.

Generally I want he would contribute extra to our bills, however he doesn’t agree as a result of the rental is in my identify. I purchased it earlier than we moved in collectively and, though he lives right here, he doesn’t really feel it’s fully his place. I can’t cease questioning if I’m being unfair. Is he giving me sufficient assist in the case of our bills? 


‘Generally I want he would contribute extra to our bills, however he doesn’t really feel he has to because the rental is in my identify.’

We don’t at all times see eye to eye in the case of monetary issues. Therefore, we don’t contemplate marriage, and we’re each protecting of our respective property. Ever since we met, he has informed me that he plans to retire to the Caribbean and construct a enterprise over there that can permit him to retire comfortably in a tropical paradise. 

Effectively, he feels he is able to begin engaged on that dream now that he has saved sufficient cash. I’ve by no means been thrilled about investing my cash abroad, and though he has proposed I be part of him in that enterprise, I’ve refused. Though I belief him, I’m afraid to lose cash if one thing had been to occur to him. 

In any case, we aren’t even married, and due to this fact his fast beneficiaries are his children from his first marriage. He simply requested me for a mortgage of $20,000 so he can have sufficient leverage with out having to borrow from the financial institution. I don’t really feel comfy doing this with out having some type of assure or stake within the mission.


‘He has by no means been notably insistent that I change into a co-owner, which strikes me as odd.’

I’ve been reluctant to hitch him in his enterprise and, sure, I’ve been reluctant to marry. He has by no means been notably insistent that I change into a co-owner, which strikes me as odd. Positive, I can be part of him in retirement, however it is going to be his property, which makes me suppose that’s the reason he hasn’t critically proposed marriage. 

I’ve a humorous feeling that he’s ready to be the only proprietor of his enterprise, and solely then suggest marriage so if we get divorced, his property wouldn’t must be divided as group property. And but I additionally really feel that I’m not being supportive sufficient, and my resolution may damage our relationship. 

How ought to I method his request with out hurting him and our relationship? Twenty-thousand {dollars} is some huge cash even in New York, and I’m not wealthy. He did supply to pay $3,000 in curiosity when the time involves pay it again, however I’m nonetheless not too keen on this concept.

So Many Doubts

Expensive Doubts,

Don’t lend him $20,000. You’ll possible by no means see that cash once more, even if you happen to each signed a notarized mortgage settlement. His promise of a $3,000 curiosity reimbursement rings hole, and it’s only one extra signal of his false bravado and misplaced self-confidence. He isn’t prepared to begin engaged on his enterprise.

Firstly, the one cause he believes he’s prepared is as a result of he pays you a paltry sum of money towards residing bills. You pay a mortgage, utilities and property taxes, and in return he provides you $500 and saves you cash on gasoline by driving you to work. Give this man a Nobel Peace Prize! 

Secondly, he’s not prepared to comprehend his dream if he has to borrow $20,000 from his girlfriend — the identical girl who has made it attainable for him to avoid wasting this cash within the first place as a result of he’s residing in her house on a budget. If gall had been an Olympic sport, he would get a gold medal!


‘His grand plans belie his capability to be financially impartial.’

Thirdly, his grand plans belie his capability to be financially impartial. If he doesn’t really feel like this rental is his house, he can purchase his own residence. He’s shifting to the Caribbean and can retire there after you might have successfully helped pay his means for years? And do you need to transfer to the Caribbean? Has he even requested you? 

Right here’s an imaginary letter to the Moneyist from somebody who could sound eerily acquainted: “How do I inform my girlfriend of 10 years that I solely need to give her $500 towards her month-to-month bills to reside in her house, and borrow $20,000 so I can save for my future — with out hurting her emotions?”

Let’s speak about your emotions as an alternative of his emotions. Think about this was your boyfriend’s proposal in your first dinner date: “I’ll contribute lower than one quarter of your residing bills, and also you give me a down fee for my enterprise so I can retire within the Caribbean. Waiter, I’ll have the steak. She’ll have the gazpacho!” 

Don’t look ahead to this freeloading fellow to suggest marriage. Rigorously contemplate that state of affairs: How wouldn’t it enhance your life? Possibly you might be proud of the established order, or possibly — simply possibly — you’d be happier having a tenant pay $1,500 a month, and relationship males who don’t deal with their relationships like ATMs.

Additionally learn: Jamie Dimon insists his employees return to the workplace — right here’s why that’s a bit wealthy

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